The so-called Year of Mobile is really a conspiracy among goldfish to take over the world, WTFSEO can exclusively report.
That’s right: We went undercover and infiltrated a secret society of power-hungry goldfish that will stop at nothing short of world domination – and it may already be too late for mankind.
In fact, it’s been nearly a full calendar year since Microsoft published its landmark study that found mobile devices have eroded the human attention span to a measly eight seconds, or a full second shorter than the seemingly humble goldfish.
But that doesn’t just mean Goldie would handily win a staring contest and/or marketers are obligated to create compelling content to sustain puny attention spans.
According to reports, the average human attention span has dropped a full four seconds since 2000.
But this isn’t just happenstance, WTFSEO readers. The reality is far more sinister.
THAT’S RIGHT: IT’S A GOLDFISH UPRISING
For generations, goldfish have been content to swim in bowls and taunt the occasional cat – or so we thought.
Then one day in 1999 – when human beings could concentrate for up to 12 seconds or more – a laboratory goldfish named Bubbles was taken home by a soft-hearted researcher who was blissfully unaware his new charge was hell-bent on revenge.
Smooth-talking Bubbles quickly established alliances with the researcher’s cat, dog and bird, promising them freedom and/or immunity under Goldfish Rule in exchange for their aid during the uprising.
From there, Fluffy, Fido and Polly evangelized to neighboring fish and rallied support for their rabble-rousing leader, who found an eager audience among fish tired of being perceived as third-rate pets because they don’t happily greet their owners when they get home or snuggle with them on the couch.
What’s more, as Bubbles’ message of Goldfish Rights spread, goldfish the world over began taking stock of their lives for the first time in recorded history and actually questioning the treatment they’ve received from humans to date, which includes flake food, fake plants, foggy glass and chalky vacation feeders. That’s what really propelled this movement to the next level.
And, ironically, perhaps, these furless pets now have us squarely in their crosshairs.
With his army of house pets behind him, it wasn’t long until Bubbles was able to infiltrate modern workspaces thanks to the surge in dog-friendly offices, including Google and Amazon. And, of course, once Bubbles had the hearts and minds of the pooches at Google, the threat truly became real.
That’s when we first started hearing rumblings about the quote-unquote Year of Mobile. And for years since, digital marketers have emphatically declared each coming year to be the Year of Mobile, which has only given Bubbles more and more time to execute his devious plot.
The plan is both diabolical and simple: Rot human brains while enhancing goldfish strength. And the 2015 Microsoft study only demonstrates how far Bubbles has come.
From the dogs at Google and Amazon, Bubbles was able to gain access to – and then penetrate the minds of — thought leaders at Zynga, King and Glu Games, heavily influencing product development and pushing the launch of games and apps like FarmVille, Candy Crush Saga and Kim Kardashian: Hollywood.
And, really, in hindsight, the writing was on the wall: All you have to do is read the description of the latter, which includes, “Date and dump celebs at the best parties and hottest clubs! Flirt and become the next huge celebrity power couple!” to see how unlikely a green-light was without intense brainwashing.
And, dear readers, consider this: In the first nine months alone, Kim Kardashian: Hollywood had over 28 million downloads and 11 billion minutes of play.
Is the reality of our situation sinking in yet?
It gets worse. Thanks in part to our limited attention spans, Kim Kardashian: Hollywood was ages ago. Bubbles – and the Kardashians – have since moved on to an entirely new set of apps to cripple us further.
Don’t believe Bubbles has the Kardashians/Jenners in his pocket, too?
Take another look at Kylie’s infamous pout: Is it not goldfish-like?
And we certainly don’t mean to be alarmist, but:
Think you’re safe if you have a toilet? THINK AGAIN.
Goldfish have learned that if they only play dead, their human owners will happily flush them away to freedom in open waters, where they can grow unchecked in both size and power – and have no known predators.
It’s like some kind of science fiction nightmare, but the danger is real.
Bubbles’ network now includes strongholds in lakes and rivers throughout the U.S. and Canada, where goldfish are growing, plotting and waiting for our attention spans to diminish to the point they can quickly and easily subjugate all of humanity.
Forget rising foreign powers. We at WTFSEO can exclusively confirm goldfish are truly the biggest threat to national security – and could quickly become one of the hottest debate points in the election.
But it’s not entirely hopeless. Sure, we can’t focus for extended periods of time – or even for nine seconds – which theoretically makes us vulnerable to these orange megalomaniacs, but consider this your call to arms.
That’s right: The official WTFSEO Goldfish Resistance Movement is underway. And here’s everything you need to know about sustaining it:
If you have goldfish within your home, you are most at risk. But, remember: Don’t flush them. It only makes them stronger. And you cannot trust other house pets.
It’s also perhaps worth noting goldfish can perceive ultraviolet light, which we cannot, and this means we should not discount the possibility of a surprise attack with UV technology. Remember: They’ve had years to develop advanced weaponry and can focus on the task at hand longer than we can.
However, one unintended consequence of Bubbles’ scheme is that humans can now multi-task better. We must figure out how to use this power for good to defeat the goldfish once and for all.
In addition, science proves goldfish are powerless against bourbon, which means we must immediately ramp production efforts to power our defense.
But, WTFSEO readers, we cannot hesitate or falter. We must forge bravely ahead or submit forever to our goldfish overlords.