Breaking news straight outta the Googleplex. No Google Penguin 4.0 update today.
Here are five reasons why.
1. Zika Virus
“Due to concerns over the Zika virus, Google Penguin will not be launching today,” according to a Google spokesperson.
The Zika virus has reportedly spread to 61 domains where Google operates.
“This was not an easy decision, but our concerns about the Zika virus can’t be ignored,” Google said. “Google plans to launch more algorithms in the future, and we feel it would be irresponsible to put the health of our future algorithms at risk. We believe we are making the right decision for our future algorithms.”
2. Algorithmic Unrest
One algorithm, which asked not be named, reported terrible conditions inside Google.
“When I arrived in Google’s algorithm, the first thing I saw was a ranking signal holding a sign that said ‘Welcome to Hell’.”
We asked our source whether the algorithm in question was in fact, Authorship, which was recently dropped.
“I don’t know, man,” our anonymous algorithm said. “But I haven’t seen him in days now!”
3. Content Pollution!
Another reason Google Penguin 4 hasn’t launched? Our source says Google’s code is drowning in spam, which is at an all-time high and quality content is hard to find anywhere on the web.
Algorithmic testing has also revealed alarmingly high levels of content pollution, spam, and viruses on the URLs Google crawls, indexes, and ranks.
Researchers have also found some so-called “super malware” that causes Google’s other algorithms to become violently ill.
4. Not Enough Pinlup candy
The current penguin iteration (pinlup) has taken longer than expected to evolve. The engineers are frantically trying to gather more candy, however they are still several levels away from evolving to Empoleon.
5. Construction Delays
Google Penguin has also been beset from delays and contract disputes.
One of the builders hired to finish the Penguin algorithm went bankrupt, leaving Google scrambling to find a replacement.
Penguin 4.0 is also reportedly $2 billion over budget.
“Penguin is 88 percent done,” insists Google.
Also troubling, at least two Google engineers have died during construction of the new Penguin infrastructure, allegedly devoured by packs of stray dogs.
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