Single Female SEO Can’t Handle Valentine’s Day Search Data

Search marketing lovebirds may be blissfully unaware of the misery their single colleagues endure in the lead-up to Valentine’s Day in which, ironically, they are hammered with heartless heart-filled holiday data.

One single female SEO simply can’t deal with the onslaught anymore. In fact, she falls apart every time she sees statistics tied to Valentine’s Day searches and has had to take the week off as a result.

This single female SEO has asked to remain anonymous, but noted it doesn’t really matter because no one will remember her anyway.

“Every year, it’s the same thing,” she said in between sobs. “There are upticks in traffic in desktop and mobile searches alike for all of these gifts I’ll never get, like flowers, jewelry, candy, and gift certificates.”

And it’s not just Bing Ads she has to worry about.

Think with Google, too, has callously disregarded fragile single women everywhere by rubbing its stats in their faces – with the obvious subtext that no one is searching for them online or in real life and they will die alone. [ sounds a lot like the messages I get on tinder – editor]

“OF COURSE there were 3X as many searches for ‘gifts for boyfriend’ than ‘gifts for girlfriend!’” this single female SEO cried. “Boyfriends just pick something up at the grocery store on their way home or send their assistants to buy gifts on their lunch breaks! And that’s only if they REMEMBER Valentine’s Day!”

Indeed, she’s not just being hysterical. According to recent Google search data, Valentine’s Day is the #2 holiday for last-minute gift shopping, which is why mobile searches for “florist near me” and “chocolates near me” are on the rise, and mobile searches from grocery stores grew 47 percent in the last year.

This single female SEO, however, was quick to look on the bright side, noting she doesn’t have to worry about that this year… or likely any other year from here to eternity.

“The one Valentine’s Day I had a boyfriend, he sent me a potted plant from 1-800-Flowers, [ed note: how do we not have an affiliate link for this?] but the package was damaged in shipping, so all I got was a box of dirt,” she added “Ordinarily I’d try and hide my loneliness by getting another cat, but my lease only allows me to have 4, so I guess it’s just Haagen Dazs again this year.”.

Like this tragic single female SEO, it’s also difficult for partner-less women in search marketing to cope with the data on searches for proposals and honeymoons they are flooded with this time of year.

“By the way, who has to Google how to accept a proposal?” the single female SEO asked, incredulously. “Won’t one of two responses suffice? ‘Yes!!!’ and ‘HELL YES!!!!’ I guess I wouldn’t know!”

What is perhaps most difficult for this homely spinster is that she works in an industry with no shortage of male colleagues and should therefore have easy access to a steady supply of potential mates. And yet she remains unwanted, the Louisa May Alcott of search marketing, if you will.

“If SEO was a U.S. state, it’d be Alaska. If it was an ACC school, it’d be Georgia Tech,” she said. “It should be like shooting fish in a barrel! But… instead… brands don’t have any opportunities to engage with me during life moments because I have none!”

As a result, instead of searching for “gifts for boyfriend,” or even, “gifts for husband,” this living, breathing cautionary tale for women everywhere said she will spend the days leading up to Valentine’s Day googling, “Ryan Jones single,” willing it to be so, and, like Cathy of the eponymous comic strip, numbing the agony of her meaningless, loveless existence with one of Starbucks’ three new Sad Single Girl Specialty Drinks, noting if she’s really struggling, she can always fall back on the virtual fireside date with Fabio from streaming video service Feeln, but she hopes it doesn’t come to that.

Stay tuned for our next post: Top 42 single SEOs.

2 Comments

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  1. Your articles tend to be funny, but there is a under-current of hating women. You tend to slam them a lot and imply women are not up to par. Have you noticed? Perhaps it is because you can’t get laid?

    • Bob. The undercurrent of female themes is definitely there – but it’s not out of hatred. It’s parody of real issues that plague our industry. Satire and parody are mirrors. They reflect what is actually happening – and our goal is to draw attention to the real issues while entertaining. Laughter is a much more powerful weapon than hatred.

      This might shock you, but this article and many of the others about women were written by a well known female in the SEO industry. In fact, every post written by “WTF ETTE” is her. She wrote the “interview with a female SEO” post that we link to in this one as well.

      Your comment about whether or not we can get laid does nothing more than perpetrate the very culture that we’re parodying.

      Do we approve of the anti-female culture in SEO? Not at all. Would we like to see it change? Of course. It can only change by drawing attention to it – and that’s what we’re trying to do. To everything we parody or satirize.

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