The Super Bowl is certainly an exciting time for our industry, but work obligations don’t mean your party has to suffer.
In fact, with a few helpful hints and a little elbow grease, you can host a football-themed soiree that rivals that of Alec Baldwin himself.
Here’s how to – wait for it – optimize your party for success.
Snack stadiums are huge this year.
But you’re an SEO. You live on the cutting edge of marketing technology. You can do better than that.
And that’s precisely why you’re going to make a SNACK GOOGLEPLEX.
The secret to the Snack Googleplex is choosing a medium that is both sturdy and agile. We’re partial to a foundation of carefully stacked tortilla chips overlaid with quesadillas – it really does strike a nice balance — but you can create a solid foundation from any combination of subs, sliders, corn dogs or even mini tacos. From there, you’ll want to line up slightly askew cocktail weenies on toothpicks or pretzel rods in order to recreate Google’s dramatic entryway.
Be sure to stock up on plenty of guacamole to properly execute Google’s sprawling Mountain View campus. And consider positioning chicken wings periodically throughout to replicate myriad lawn sculptures. We also recommend saving crab dip for paving the main entryway with pita chip stones. (Or queso with tortilla chips if the spirit moves you.)
If you don’t have time to make your own colored sugar glass, pick up a handful of cocktail umbrellas — in primary colors only, obviously – to properly outfit the nearby outdoor seating area with plenty of pig-in-blanket and jalapeno-popper employees milling about in the sunshine alongside mac-and-cheese-bite receptacles for trash and recyclables (although be sure to leave an empty space where the continually vacationing Matt Cutts would have been).
Use yogurt-covered pretzels to construct electric charging stations for electric vehicles molded out of marzipan and white licorice.
And save your cheeses and charcuterie for solar panels as carrot-and-celery-stick bikes with Ritz cracker wheels whiz by.
Naturally, you’ll want to separately maintain an Android-themed dessert bar with cupcakes, donuts, eclairs, ice cream sandwiches, jelly beans and marshmallows. At a minimum.
If you have time to spare, we also recommend carving a watermelon football helmet fruit bowl or baking a madeira mushroom football tart.
Signature SEO Cocktails
Here’s an algorithm for fun – instead of just beer and wine, class up the affair with some signature cocktails especially for SEOs, like a Harvey Linkbuilder, Silicon Valley Iced Tea or White Hat Russian.
Combine, shake and garnish for a Super Bowl to remember.
While the spotlight is clearly on food and football, opportunities nevertheless remain to combine form, function AND festivity, forever ranking your party high in guests’ memories.
To wit: The most affable felon in commercial domesticity recommends decoupaging hand-cut glass to create one-of-a-kind vintage wallpaper coasters for your next Super Bowl party. We’re, however, also partial to these rustic burlap football coasters, which are clearly a better fit thematically. Choose whichever one feels right to you.
And what’s the use of having signature cocktails without some sporty sippers from which to drink them? These mason jars will instantly morph into footballs right before your eyes with just a little electrical tape. Guests who opt for the Silicon Valley Iced Tea in particular may question at one point during the night whether their drink has actually been replaced by sports equipment.
And – listen — we can’t say this enough: You’ll also want to have plenty of potted wheatgrass scattered around your home to more accurately simulate the stadium experience. If nothing else, remember the potted wheatgrass.
And after all this effort to show your fellow SEOs a good time, you certainly don’t want guests to disavow you or your home for lack of foresight.
That’s why we recommend a bit of light housework Sunday morning, like, say, cleaning your TV screen, de-germing the remote and vacuuming your speakers.
And, as the USDA points out, food safety should always be top of mind lest we let foodborne illness intercept our plans for the biggest Super Bowl ever celebrated.
And, of course, look hot.
With these help hints on your side, guests will be retargeting your Super Bowl parties for years to come.