This week, Google announced that it will be diving head first into their Freudian obsessions with mothers in a future update to their search algorithm. Multitask Unified Model, or MUM for short, is an AI model that will better understand human language and questions in an attempt to improve search results.
This acronym absolutely makes sense because growing up our own mothers did in fact over-analyze every little thing that we did to “improve our life” in hopes that we would “stop being a lazy 25 year old that refuses to move out and become a productive member of society instead of sitting around playing video games all day.” Yeah, whatever Mom!
Yes we know every other SEO expert has already written their analysis on exactly how MUM works and affects SEO, but that’s exactly why we have to do it too! Anyway, here are 6 guaranteed ways to optimize for Google’s new MUM algorithm enhancement:
- Call once in a while – We know it’s a pain and in the age of text messaging picking up the phone is not ideal but it makes MUM feel special. This update is no different. So suck it up and give it a call every now and then!
- Buy it flowers – Nothing says “I care” more than a nice, simple bouquet of flowers. If you are finding your content is not being very well received, maybe add a card and some chocolates to the mix for some extra brownie points.
- Go help your father with the yard work – You father isn’t what he used to be and could use the help but wouldn’t ask for it. While you will both feel exhausted at the end of the day, at least Dad will get off MUM’s back for the afternoon and give her some peace for a change.
- Visit for the holidays – Holidays may not be as special to you as they were when you were a youngling but to MUM, you will always be her little baby which makes holidays special. Take some time and go see your mom and let her relive those sweet memories of you, when you were so excited for the magic of holidays and hadn’t quite become the disappointment you grew up to be.
- Continue acting as the home’s IT support – Look, cut MUM some slack, technology evolved quickly and the remote gained a million more buttons than they had in her day. Just come turn on the TV and shut up about it. And while you’re there, the printer has been acting up and that new internet box seems to be really slow.
- Give it some damn grand-kids already. MUM may be new, but it’s not getting any younger.
According to Google, MUM optimized sites will automatically be enrolled in LaMDA LaMDA LaMDA, an NLU honor society, so get crackin’.
Then again, at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. We’re all going to keep writing terrible content anyway but at least we can suck up to MUM instead of just doing a better job. Whatever…