As an above-average SEO, you know links are the most important thing in the world. Except, you also know that relationships are the new backlink, according to some SEO gurus, thus making relationships even more importanter (you goddamned millennials and your slang – Ed).
So if the best links come from the best relationships, then how do you know if the relationship you’re about to enter, or have already entered into, is right for you? Is it possible you’ve actually ended up in a toxic relationship that could ultimately lead to a ranking penalty?
Find out by answering either True or False from our highly scientific, triple-blind, peer-evaluated Relationship Health Profile Test! (Editor’s note: please don’t write on your screen, WTFSEO is not liable for your stupidity damages.)
1. I am satisfied with my relationship equity. _____
2. My partner doesn’t really reciprocate my niche interest. _____
3. My trust flow is great. _____
4. Something feels unnatural here. _____
5. I feel hopeful about what’s <a rel=”next”> for us. _____
6. My partner swears she didn’t cheat, but I still got an unnatural link warning :(. _____
7. My partner often says, “I love your content.” _____
8. Proactive link building makes me angry. _____
9. It feels natural. _____
10. My guest posting is out of control. _____
11. My partner is <a rel=”help”> in hard times. _____
12. My partner wants to disavow me. _____
13. My partner is like great anchor text – perfectly optimized. _____
14. I fear my partner is broken. _____
15. My partner likes to hide. _____
16. I imagine myself deindexed. _____
17. My relationship is really fresh and passes the “smell test”. _____
18. Relationship building is dead. _____
19. My partner sends me all the right signals. _____
20. My partner treats me like a directory. _____
21. We partner enjoys a good deep linking. _____
22. Sometimes I just want to nofollow my partner. _____
23. I feel the love. _____
24. I would rather use a link checker. _____
25. Our relationship spins my head right round, like a webring. _____
26. My partner orders me to pay $500 for removals. _____
27. My partner enjoys a little “manual outreach” with me. _____
28. My partner tells me to go farm my own. _____
29. We enjoy getting links from each other. _____
30. My partner makes me pay before passing me any PageRank. _____
31. I trust my partner like an .edu or .gov link. _____
32. It’s like being in a long distance relationship with someone from Russia. _____
33. I know my partner will never report me as a schemer. _____
34. I get angry when my partner baits me. _____
35. My partner respects my tools. _____
36. My partner constantly compares mine to others. _____
37. Conducting a little “internal backlink analysis” really turns my partner on. _____
38. My partner is constantly swiping right on my competitors’ profiles. _____
39. My partner likes to do it naked (and is all natural). _____
40. My partner doesn’t discriminate. _____
41. I am directly relevant to my partner. _____
42. My partner lives in a bad neighborhood. _____
43. My partner is open to exchanges. _____
44. My partner logged me out of our Ahrefs account and changed the password. _____
45. My link partner is my primary source of rankings. _____
46. My partner judges me more harshly than Google! _____
47. My partner cares about the score I receive on this test. _____
48. It feels like my partner is Google and I’m a private blog network they just found out about. _____
49. My partner puts our relationship ahead of all others. _____
50. My velocity never really satisfies my partner. _____
51. My partner wants to follow Google’s guidelines. _____
52. Why I chose my partner: just for the juice. _____
53. I like to forward to some DIY “in-house” action. _____
54. My partner thinks outsourcing to India is a good option. _____
55. My partner is lucky to have me. _____
56. My partner treats me like an expired domain. _____
57. My partner doesn’t need to file a reconsideration request with me. _____
58. I envy my friends’ co-citations. _____
59. My partner would include me in content to stroke my ego. _____
60. I’m worried – my partner appears dead. _____
61. I feel valued by my partner. _____
62. My partner is jealous of my backlink profile. _____
Scoring
[Author’s note: the following scoring system is “adopted” from OUR link “partner”, Dr. Phil. (I wish! – Editor)]Now go back over your test and count all of the even-numbered questions to which you answered True. Write down the total. Now go back and count all of the odd-numbered items to which you answered False. Add that number to your “True total” to get your overall score.
Even numbered “True” responses _______
Odd-numbered “False” responses _______
Overall Total _______
This test was designed to give you a hazy snapshot of the health of your relationship.
If your overall relationship score is above 32, you have achieved Rihanna-Chris Brown Level (allegedly). It’s likely that your relationship is beyond toxic and in extreme danger of failing.
If your total score is between 20 and 32, you have achieved Charlie Sheen-Everyone He’s Ever Dated Level (allegedly). Your relationship is seriously troubled and you may be living an “emotional divorce.”
If your total score is between 12 and 19, you have achieved Ozzy-Sharon Osbourne Level (allegedly). Your relationship is about average and certainly needs work.
If your score is below 11, you have achieved Woody Allen-Soon-Yi Previn Level. Your relationship, strange as it is, is well above the norm, but likely has isolated areas in which you can improve.
