The Cat in the Black SEO Hat

You can read it all by yourself

The Cat in the Black SEO Hat

Our rankings have tanked.
We must find a way.
To optimize our site
For the upcoming holidays.

I sat with my CMO
We sat there, us both
And I said, “How I wish our organic traffic
Would show us some growth.”

Few people visited, conversions were scarce
We were both quite appalled.
We stared at Google Analytics
And saw little organic traffic at all.

So rather than work, I did what I did best
Tweet!
Tweet!
Tweet!
Tweet!
But seriously…if we didn’t get our SEO act together.
We’d be out on the street!

And then
By and by.
A tweeted reply caught my eye!

We looked at my notifications!
I read the 114 characters aloud!
‘Twas someone with a proposition for us,
And he stated it proud:

“Tweet @TheCatintheBlackSEO Hat
If you need to optimize!
For Google SERP domination, look no further,
We’re your guys!”

Was this too good to be true?
We had some serious doubt.
So we thought of a response
And we tweeted it out.

“Help! Our traffic has tanked
And our situation isn’t funny.
But we really want our SEO
To quickly make us a whole bunch of money!”

He tweeted us back
And he did so quite swiftly.
The Cat in the Black SEO Hat
Said he’d be in our office in a jiffy

True to his word, he arrived and he looked spiffy,
The Cat in the Black SEO Hat.
“I know some new SEO tricks,”
Said the Cat in the Black SEO Hat.
“A lot of good SEO hacks.
I will show them to you.
Google
Won’t notice at all what we will do.”

As he stepped into our office
He said to us, quite bold:
“I know the best tricks
That will help you rank above the fold.”

The Cat in the Black SEO Hat
Sensed our reservations and fear.
He had a message for us,
That we needed to hear:

“Go ahead,
Keep waiting naturally to rank
Meanwhile, if you’ll excuse me,
I’m off to the bank.”

My CMO and I
Didn’t know what to say.
All we had to do was accept his proposal
So we paid him, and he got started right away.

But our SEO Director warned us, “Look out!
Don’t give him control!
Surely all we’ll get is a manual action penalty
Next time you visit Google Search Console.”

But our SEO Director was the reason
Our site had the blues.
With the Cat in the Black SEO Hat
What did we really have to lose?

Said the Cat in the Black SEO Hat:
“It’s all about links, the #1 factor,
Links – and lots of them –
Are truly what you are after!”

So with just a few keystrokes
He built us more than a thousand links.
Then he invited us out
“After a job well done, it is time for some drinks!”

But: “Those links sure look dodgy,” said our SEO man.
“They only score a 1 out of 10!”
“OK, then let’s get 1,000 more,” said the Cat.
“And then let’s do it again!”

“Look at how many links you have now
Look at ahrefs, Majestic, and Moz.
Our inbound link profile is amazing.
Now where’s my thunderous applause?”

A link from a private network here,
A link from a random guest blog post there.
Links from Russia and adult websites,
It was quickly becoming a nightmare!

Links from press releases, links from footers,
Links from directories, blog comments, and more.
All of this scheming was going too far
These link building tactics could no longer be ignored!

Our SEO Man protested.
“But Matt Cutts said this and Gary Illyes said that!”
None of this mattered
To the Cat in the Black SEO Hat.

I asked, “But what about content?
I heard it was king.
Will these spammy link building tactics
Even help us rank on Bing?”

The Cat in the Black SEO Hat
Kept his cool and stood quite still.
After a moment, he had his response.
“Yes, surely they will!”

“Don’t you know who I am?
I’m an SEO genius!
So let’s work together, friends.
There’s no need for meanness!
Just make lots of content, or steal it,
No worries if it is thin.
And don’t forget to load up on AdSense
Because AdSense = win!
Stuff it with keywords
And invisible text!
Point a bunch of spammy links at your competitors?
Check, check, and check!
Now let’s talk social,
You must buy followers and likes.
That will impress Google
And your traffic will spike!”

But then something on his laptop gave
The Cat in the Black SEO Hat pause
His eyes went wide with terror
And buried his face in his paws.

“Oh drats, it seems Google
Has caught onto my scheme.
Google makes me so furious,
I just want to scream!”

Instead, the Cat wrote a cranky comment
About Google on a search news site
Then he was off, and we never saw him again
After simply saying, “Good night.”

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