It’s June, which means many wannabe bloggers everywhere are heading to GoDaddy to find a domain, start a blog, and become an expert. (What?! – Editor) Here are some tips to make sure your blog is way less more successful than WTFSEO!
1. Rarely Post New Posts
It’s about quality, not quantity. It’s a huge myth that writing posts more often will result in more people visiting your site regularly.
Beginner tip: Make every post your “Chinese Democracy” or “Detox”. Keep your readers waiting and waiting and waiting. It’ll just keep building anticipation and totally not make you irrelevant or a running joke within your industry.
2. Don’t Do Any SEO
Google has so many PhDs working for them, there’s literally no way search engines can’t figure out what’s on your site, no matter how poorly designed or organized it is.
Amateur tip: Keep your title tags as long as you want and your meta tags as short as you want. And don’t build links manually. You’ll get plenty naturally!
3. Do SEO Yourself
You don’t need any so-called experts who have years and years of experience. After all, you once did a search on Google and one of the suggestions was “SEO is bullshit”.
Pro tip: If you’re reading WTFSEO, you must be an SEO genius, right? To find out, take this quiz. Or this quiz.
4. Write Really Short Articles
Millennials are the only demographic that matters anymore (rumor has it anyone born before 1980 will soon die off like the dinosaurs). And research shows that millennials have short attention spans.
Beginner tip: Does your post contain 300 words or more? This is far too high and should be decreased. Try to keep your posts under 100 words.
5. Don’t Install Google Analytics
Google only uses Google Analytics (GA) to spy on you and lower your rankings. There are literally no insights you can gain by installing GA on your site.
Amateur tip: Just copy what your competitors do. That’s a winning strategy.
6. How to Find Topics to Write About
On those rare occasions when you need some topics for your high-quality blog, make sure to only read any blogs that appear to be written by robots or foreigners who have yet to fully grasp English. They have the best, most trusted, and most up to date tips.
Pro tip: You can – nay should! – repurpose all their tips for your own blog post. Real life example: that’s how I wrote this one.
7. Charge Writers to Write For You
Nothing says quality content like accepting posts only from people who have to pay for the privilege to appear on your blog. Talk about prestigious!
Pro tip: If they have money to pay their mortgage, then they have money to write for your blog. No whiners need apply!
8. Spend Big Money on Your Domain
Chances are the domain you want isn’t available for 99 cents from GoDaddy. What should you do? Buy it! Why settle for an inferior domain? You’ll probably spend $4,000 on an engagement ring, so why wouldn’t you pay for a domain, which will probably last longer than your marriage anyway?
Beginner tip: If you aren’t spending at least $5,000 on your domain, then wow. Maybe you aren’t serious about this whole blogging thing…
9. Add Every Social Sharing Button Imaginable
Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Pinterest, Google+ (hahaha, kidding!), and Owdy are essential buttons. But how about adding a few more buttons, like Kerfoofle, or Gonzaga, or Queefit?
Amateur tip: Every website is a special snowflake that needs your love. So don’t leave anybody out, lest someone get offended and send an angry tweet! The horror!
10. Ignore Comments
You are a god, and the comments section is the church, where your readers go to praise your greatness. If you respond to their comments – even *gasp* to thank them for their comment – you’ll look weak and they’ll lose respect for you. So read them, but you seriously don’t owe them a reply.
Pro tip: If you get any comments that are spammy, point out your errors, or ask why something isn’t on your awesome list of tips, consider shutting them off immediately and contacting the FBI. Or just shut down the blog and start fresh on a new domain.
11. Speculation Trumps Information
Don’t know enough about your subject? Guess what: most of your readers know even less than you! Fake it. You’re a guru now. After all, you have a blog.
Pro tip: Declare your niche dead (or, if you’re a wimp, ask if it’s dead/dying) at least once a year.
12. Don’t Fear Google’s Webmaster Guidelines
Google is known to penalize websites that don’t follow its guidelines. Show Google that you aren’t afraid: buy some links to your site, add some irrelevant keywords and report yourself just to show them you aren’t afraid!
Beginner tip: When If you vanish from Google’s search results, wait at least 2-3 months before panicking.
13. Questions?
Question headlines, like “Is Your SEO Truly a True SEO?“, “am I sexy?” and “does my girlfriend like it when I watch her pee?” get lots of clicks.
Amateur tip: Only write questions on headlines when the answer is no. Most readers will never pick up on this trick.
Conclusion
I hope you enjoyed this look at quick SEO tips for starting your own blog.
How insightful was this post, huh? Please share your praise in the comment area below!
