SEOs: Behold the Awesome Power of My Woman Card

If I was a man, I wouldn’t even drive five percent of views.

[Ed Note: this post is in no way an endorsement for Hilary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Donald Trump, or Ted Cruz. We at WTFSEO have always been and will always be supporters of Vermin Supreme.]

Hillary Clinton and I have a lot in common:

And that’s why I’m SO THANKFUL to presidential hopeful Donald Trump for inspiring my latest epiphany: If Hillary can swipe her Woman Card all the way to the White House, why can’t I use it to get a few perks – and/or a little respect – around here?

[ed note: If you haven’t seen them, these are a real thing. For some reason though, it costs over $6 to ship a $5 credit card.]

So I made a firm, Trump-like decision to conduct a little social experiment and – spoiler alert – Trump, naturally, was right: It worked like a charm!

When I sashayed into the WTFSEO office on Thursday and presented the editors with my sparkly pink Woman Card emblazoned with the rainbow unicorn and Hello Kitty stickers, signed on the back using my Bic “For Her” Fashion pen, they were powerless against me.

My first order of business, naturally, was to close the wage gap.

And with an assist from my Woman Card, salary negotiations were a breeze and – wait for it — I now make a full 81.3 percent as much as the (unpaid) WTFSEO Intern. I know. I can’t believe it either. I’m pinching myself.

Emboldened, I decided to take it a step further.

Next up: Content. Which, of course, we call Queen now (no, not for Freddie Mercury). My trusty Woman Card and I told the editors it was high time we start addressing issues of legitimate interest and value to women, like the impact of Kesha Quotes and Taylor Swift lyrics on SEO or optimizing for Kimmy Schmidt reviews. You. Are. Welcome.

But we weren’t finished, my Woman Card and I.

After flashing my card, the editors bowed to further demands and I’m proud to announce WTFSEO will be launching a new section devoted entirely to horoscopes, which my lady friends, our Woman Cards and I will utilize when gathering in packs to obsess over why we don’t have boyfriends. Ideally while having brunch or getting pedicures. Or both, amIright?

What? “There’s ‘no SEO angle,’’ you say? Pish and pshaw, I say to you! You can’t spell Pisces and Leo without SEO, can you? [Ed note: Also womens. and monkeys, jokers, boobies, shoes, hoaxes, lose, and hoes.]

My magic card and I are also taking over the WTFSEO Book Club. Our next selection will be the Bridget Jones trilogy, followed by the Nanny Diaries, Bergdorf Blondes and Lipstick Jungle, which are clearly books any SEO should read…or at least any quirky SEO stumbling through life in the big city who is simply one good makeover away from conflict resolution.

Further, from this point forward, WTFSEO will be tagging all of its social posts with #ImWithHer. Why? I’d like to refer you to my Woman Card.

And, look, I’m a pragmatist. I know that if I was a man, I wouldn’t even get five percent of the views around here. However…now that you’ve seen my Woman Card, you, yourself, reader, can’t help but click on my posts and like and share them, right?

See? The results speak for themselves.

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